Silence

 Last Wednesday, the unthinkable happened to me. No, I do not mean the COVID or Ukraine news. This is much more trivial and in the larger scheme of things, irrelevant and of no import whatsoever. 

However, to me, it felt horrible. My tv refused to work. 

I know. Some people call the tv the idiot box. Some people call it mindless corrupting of a sharp mind. Some people call it an addiction. To me, however, it is a portal to a world I remember, dream of, and in the most essential of ways, inhabit. 

When I am home, I need everything underlined with the noise of people talking, if not in Gujarati, at least in Hindi. I rarely watch television in English. When I leave home, I leave live tv on on one of the Star, Utsav, or Zee channels for the cats. The cats and I have become accustomed to this noise. When the tv is on, the cats perch on two sides of the sofa and nap or relax. But in the silent house, the cats did not know what to do with themselves and roamed around meaninglessly, sometimes through the house, sometimes outside. They felt abandoned in the silence. 

I felt abandoned in the most inexcusable manner as well! I need constant stories being told to me, even if I am not always attentive to them. I love the familiar tropes, the recognizable places, the ease of the idiom, and the comforting cadence of the language. I need the remembered tastes on my tongue and the fragrance of camphor and sandalwood of the festivals. And I am not ashamed to say that I also missed the laughably improbable plots and the outlandish caricatures.

When my tv died, I felt as though one of my anchors, indeed, the very axis of who I am were silenced. Without the familiar syntax and idiom, all that they evoked disappeared as well. Because of my work schedule, I was not able to go out and get one with haste, like I knew I needed to. On a regular week day, I barely get an hour to watch tv. But I need those minutes to re-align all my worlds so everything makes sense before I go to bed. 

My entire universe remained plunged in this dark silence for two days and two nights. 

Finally, Friday dawned and by the time I was done with work, I knew exactly the kind of tv I wanted, the amount I was ready to spend, and all the know-how I needed so I would get my life back in Eastman Technicolor instead of making do with survival in the shadow world of silence. 

By Friday evening, I had  my worlds back. The cats heard and returned to their sofa. I had found, traveled to, bought, hefted, assembled, and reconnected, all in the space of 3 hours. My family remains amazed at my prowess, especially the hefting around. 

There were times when I wondered if my life would have been easier had I a partner. The very next second, I discarded this idea with an involuntary shudder: who guarantees that a partner would help instead of commenting, faulting, taunting, sighing at my ineptitude, irritating, and generally getting in the way? Perhaps it would have taken much longer to get my tv, had I a partner. I imagine endless arguments about the merits of a certain kind of tv, a continuous sniggering at my dependence on it, a condescending dismissal of my whims, even repeated admonishments to "Get a Real Life!"  

At any rate, the absolutely wrong kind of noise. 

I have defeated this cosmic silence on my own. Besides, it always gives me a considerable boost of joy, knowing that I can make myself happy. When I talked to my family over the weekend, I casually remarked that I'd bought a new tv. Only some of the closest of my tribe understood the apocalyptic silence, the terror, the displacement, and the immense distress involved in the casual remark. They just said, "Oh. Good." The pause that followed this was pregnant with acknowledgement. 

My patient reader must excuse me now; I have a great deal of catching up to do. It will take a week to recover from this turbulence. But soon enough, my feline room mates and I will finally believe in the music, sounds, colors, and cadences of a well-loved, well-remembered universe behind the tv screen.  

Machu Picchu and Myth-Tenses

 I have been unable to return to this space for a month. Of course, as they do, many things happened that I have wanted to write about. 

For instance, my visit to the Machu Picchu exhibit remains most memorable. The ubiquitous gold was impressive but fails to leave a lasting impression; I have seen a lot of it, especially dazzling from behind untouchable cases of museums and palaces. The Machu Picchu exhibit has left a lasting impression of the epic story of Ai Apaec, the Andean hero who travels all three realms, fighting animal monsters and gaining their powers, even as he loses parts of himself. I found the idea of the fertile dead fascinating. Finally, of course, the architecture is breathtakingly innovative, symmetrical, and beautiful. 

I wished for a refresher to Incan mythology, a course a colleague teaches his middle school class. 

Again, I wish for my dream job, being part of a research team that excavates the myths of the world to create present day movies for kids or TV serials. Being a part of a plot-writers' team working on Hindi serials is a close second, of course. 

However, since I see no path, crooked or otherwise that could lead me to these destinies, it might be better to stick to the present continuous and the present perfect continuous tenses. Obsessing over using the past perfect to fuel future modals of low probabilities seems a pointless exercise. 

Yes, patient reader. The most that I have done is figured out different ways of reviewing the 12 tenses of English. I also taught a few weeks of basic Word & Power Point, much to the delight of students and amusement of my staff. 

I used to teach 6 hours of Magic in my courses (a lot of it based on The Golden Bough, Jung, and many others, of course). I miss that like a wound. In the present tenses (all 4 of them), watching the glitter in a student's eyes as she changes the design of her power point presentation is the nearest I get to the magic I used to teach. The magic of spell-casting has been replaced with the rules of spelling. The Machu Picchu exhibit, with its myths of spirals, animal hierarchies, and the many connections between spiritual realities and the transient physical world humans inhabited reminded me of the magic of the land that defines Arthuriana, in which two realities occupy and fight over a single geography.

Experiencing the Andean myths was like being suddenly aware of the subdued text that shines through a palimpsest, insisting on being read. 

Has this exhibit changed something in me? I don't know. It has, however and definitely, added to my thirsts and yearnings. Now, I yearn for more stories from a different people. 

Again, I ask myself, what use are the stories? Maybe I can use them, somehow, to teach the perfect and perfect continuous past tenses and past modals? 

Then again, facing the continuous tense of myths is like facing the ocean. And of what use can an ocean be?  

 

Unutterable Loss for the Silent Nightingale

 This Sunday, the world woke up to an unimaginable world, especially the world of South Asia and its wandering heirs, the unimaginable loss of Lata Mangeshkar.

I will not bore my patient reader with details and achievements of Lataji's life; those are easily googled. 

This news came to me on Monday, as I was getting dressed and checking on the world on my phone. I remain shocked. I could not believe it on Monday, and I don't believe it now. How can we endure a world with her singing? 

Lata Mangeshkar's voice was among the first I heard with the cacophonies that drown us at birth. We all grew up trying to emulate that sustained pitch, those true notes, that clear, clear voice and predictably, failed. That pure voice formed the background music for our lives, our moods, and expressed the way we felt the only way our feelings could be expressed. We have no greater language for who we are. 

Lataji lent her voice to the poetries of patriotism, of intense and self-erasing devotions, of the playful nature of the cosmos and its solemn rhythms, of clear nights and stormy seasons, of dreams, of apocalypse and heartbreak. Language was no barrier: Lataji sang in over 30 languages. Her voice is ubiquitous throughout the Indian subcontinent. She sang late into her life, beyond natural expectation, her voice untiring and true through decades. Hers is one of the first names children learn to lisp as they chant names. Her name needs no compacting into cute diminutives; if anything, one adds the honorific -ji to her first name to render her recognizable. 

Today, I look around me and know that I need all those poetries to anchor my world. Lataji's voice is the axis. I mourn that when I hear that voice now, it will be an echo from the past. Our life-giving nightingale is silent forever and, like the grieving emperor in the tale, we yearn for the lost voice as we yearn for life. 

This is no tale and so, unlike the emperor in the tale, we trudge on, deprived, searching the heavens, beseeching them to return the lost voice, and weeping at their stubborn silence. Our unspeakable grief is fed by the fact that the only expressions we can use remain the songs of immense loss that lost voices breathed life into. 

For the world left behind, there is to be no relief, no solace from this impoverishment.     

Willing Gods, Gods Willing!

 "Let Kanha-ji answer that!" one of my favorite Hindi serial protagonists exclaims, as the episode fades out to a prequel. 

Will the invoked divinity oblige? 

Knowing the terrain of these plots, there is little doubt that he most definitely will and without undue delay, lest the audience forget the invocation. 

Now, even the gods of all faiths seem to have found the very lucrative terrain of Hindi serials. They are the newest immigrants to this land. Previously, if a divinity were to directly affect the plot of the story, it would be in a serial specially dedicated to that deity or one with a mythological theme. The god's partiality for the protagonist and willingness to play Deus Ex Machina would be no surprise. 

Since these gods are often stock characters, it would also be easy to predict their reactions and extend of involvement. Krishna would discuss the issue with his consort in Vaikunth, his particular paradise and trace plot events to the evil intentions of a seemingly-unrelated character. Shiv could be manipulated, though his anger is to be avoided at all costs. Brahma would grant anything to almost anyone, provided they performed adequate yoga. Vishnu is the problem solver, fixing what the others mess up. Narad is the ultimate trickster, who teaches through his jests and taunts. Indra is the coward, forever afraid of his throne being usurped. The list goes on. 

Now, the gods have expanded their prowess to include the daily life of characters. No longer do we see Kanha (Krishna's diminutive name) playing the divine roundel with his milkmaids when a character invokes him. We only see what the character sees: the idol in a home temple, perhaps with a spotlight shining from behind the screen, to hint at halos. Of course, the audience sometimes needs more than just a hint and we hear temple bells clanging, an inexplicable wind hinting at apocalypse, strewing dead leaves around, circular rainbows flashing with glitter within, even the idol's eyes and face flashing and zooming large. It really depends on the desperation of the story-teller and the budget allocated to that section of the tale.

It is enough for me to invoke the gods, mimicking the characters, on the off-chance that some of this mercy and attention might spill over into my world. Of course, what I seek is nothing like what is necessary for the characters, no matter how closely I relate to them. It is the ease that solves all problems that has me glued to these plots and characters.

I can hardly wait to reach home. I am sure Kanha-ji would have answered by now and my character would have assigned another task to her favorite deity. How wonderful! No yoga needed; no horde of merit to be accumulated; no sacrifices, no pujas, no yagnas, no oblations, no offerings required. Merely the premise of being a "good" person suffices to have the world arranged according to one's preferences. 

Who wouldn't long for a world wherein gods wait upon people convinced of their "goodness," and one need only assign frequent tasks to a particular deity to show favoritism? 

I, too, shall invoke a god or perhaps a goddess and assign the task of ensuring that all feline beings be safe and well fed for the night. Let the gods prove their merit to me!

Learning the Body Dance

"Keep Safe!" she shouts in a general farewell, including everyone in the center, as she bounces to the sign off station. Her hair and skin glow with health, her eyes shine with excitement at her task (though it is routine and quite boring), and her fingers tack busily over the keyboard without doubts or hesitations in a well-remembered sequence of letters and numbers.  

It is 8 pm, closing time at my writing center.

I watch her, a useless, practiced smile sketched under my mask. 

Forgive me, Reader, I confess to lowly envy. The woman I was watching was chronologically older than I. I wondered, for the nth time, at an octogenarian's energy, enthusiasm, and verve at the end of the day, when I, decades younger, feel ready for my nap an hour after my morning shower!

I do not feel the defeating fatigue I once felt any more. But by 2 pm, I am definitely yawning and by 8 pm, my drive home looms like an eternal journey before me. I am surrounded by people who are only kind and consoling. They tell me that I am older; everyone slows down sooner or later; I am not healed yet; after all, my body is tired. It goes on. 

Today, in my lingering envy, I meander along the confusing, contradictory advise for a list of allowable foods for transplant patients. Some websites insist  that dragon fruit can be toxic, while some swear by the necessity of its nutrition; some insist on including bean sprouts while others caution me away from them; I should have complex carbohydrates, like pasta, as part of my diet and some scream at me to avoid being in the same room as pastas; all cheese is bad but some may be okay; apples should be avoided; apples are okay. 

To my extreme disappointment, my transplant center is not home to dieticians. I have no idea if what I am doing is okay or if I am causing incurable damage to my poor body. 

How do my octogenarian colleagues do it?

One such colleague winked at me and claimed that after a point, one begins getting younger; that's why old-age is often referred to as a second childhood. I thought of one of my cats, who as a kitten, would suddenly be possessed of an incredible amount of energy, more than her little body could hold, causing her to tear wildly around the house and neighborhood. I want to believe my colleague. 

Oh to climb trees and ladders! Oh to walk for hours without tiring! Oh to run down a grass covered slope! Oh to race along the beach!

And most of all, Oh to dance!

It seems to me today, that I have yet to learn effective body management. Perhaps, if I am wise and attentive, I will learn it in the next couple of decades. I must listen and re-learn my body's syntax, the music it prefers, the foods that properly nourish it, the amount of sleep it needs, and the messages it continually sends me. 

I have trotted across the globe, traveled many lands, believing that my Janma Bhoomi (land of birth) is different from my Karma Bhoomi (land of action). However, I find that I needn't have traveled at all: I needed, need to only understand the topography and language of my first and only home, my body. 

Once I learn that, perhaps, just maybe, I might find a good friend. 

Well / Unwell

 Again, long afternoons yawn before me. My body still holds me captive. I have a new kidney and one would imagine I would get my life back!

To a large extent, I no longer have the bindings confining my hours: I do not have to worry about dialysis, watch my water intake, and heave my unmanageable body around. Stairs give me pause but do not frighten me. Walking through the parking lot to my non-disabled parking spot no longer challenges me. I can eat spinach, drink as much water as I wish, eat more variety of foods, and move around with greater ease. I remain grateful for the precious gift afforded to me.

Yet my fear binds me. I am mortally afraid of catching COVID or any of its variants. I go cold at the thought of visiting the hospital or emergency rooms. And of late, I must fight and cajole my reluctant pancreas to keep my kidney safe from their pouting. They seem to have thrown in the towel, not that I blame them. 

Often, I am tempted. 

For a short while only. 

But tempted. 

Then I take up my sword and re-enter the fray with a sigh. 

I hear words swirling around me, offering assurance: my body has been much abused for far too long; I am much older than when I started; this condition is only normal and __% of post transplant patients have it; it is not my lifestyle, it is the meds; just take it in my stride; ___ has it much worse. 

Perhaps I am too hasty and my expectations of my body are unreal. I try to catch myself from complaining. I know that people are tired of me. So I don't talk of the latest saga in the battle.

My colleagues are thoughtful and patient. My family ought to be sainted. 

Perhaps I look for rewards in the wrong places. I have a job that comes with health insurance; I can hear the easy banter and laughter from students, staff, and colleagues; I enjoy longer sleep cycles; the cats have not abandoned  me.

Even Julien of Norwich and T. S. Eliot reach across oceans of time and space as they console me with "All manner of thing shall be well."

Ah the blessing and solace of the Word! How on earth are we to survive these boring earthly scrimmages with it? 

Let me go back to listening ghazals. I will find treasures in this fallow season. This broken time shall mend. All shall be well. All is well.

Roof Without Sky

 I have enforced confinements on my mind. No, patient Reader, I do not mean prisons. I just mean being limited to one's own habitat, the way a cat is confined to her cage or home "for her own good." We do not think twice before enforcing our beloved pets and snatching their skies from them. However, we have a serious problem when such a circumstance is visited upon us. 

One of the many lessons that COVID-19 has taught me has been my awareness of this confinement. On the one hand, I am grateful for the security my home affords me. I am essentially enclosed in a glass square, that is in turn surrounded by a netting, so no cooties may enter my air. Yes! Our advanced species has learned to own not just the earth but also the air. I am urged to regularly spray all surfaces with chemicals that make my cat sneeze but which keeps me safe. If I am forced out of my house to forage for fresh foods, I find myself wishing for my glass bubble, as no amount of masks and gloves make me feel protected. I smear no-rinse soap on my hands after touching anything in the store. Then, my foraging done, I again smear some more soap after ridding my fingers of gloves until I can reach my cage and wash my hands properly. 

As time goes by, I amaze myself as I come to rely on my confinement. It becomes my territory, my landscape. There have been days, even weeks when I have not left my home and I do not feel deprived. 

I wonder if our animals and birds begin to feel this way. Once used to their cage, will they ever feel safe enough to wander out under the open skies? 

However, I do know the answer to this, more is the pity. 

I have missed the betrothal that I could not have countenanced missing, ever. In no actual or alternate reality had I imagined missing this event, provided I was alive. I would not have missed my cage, had I been allowed to attend this celebration. 

I have also just begged off a Thanksgiving invitation from some of my favorite people, much to my intense disappointment and theirs. I have been sad about this but I cannot fight something I cannot even see, a virus. These days, I really hate the CDC and their recommendations. These recommendations are mandates for the immunity compromised, like me, who have had a transplant less than a year ago, I think it is strange that I feel so well, better than I have in a decade, and yet I have to treat myself as though I am still fragile. It is most distressing. Yes, we will Zoom. But I so wanted to go meet everyone in real life! I find that there is really no substitute. My cage, today, does not feel as safe as it feels like shackles.

It is also a known fact that once a cat is an outdoors cat, he can never be trained to be an indoors cat; however, the opposite is never true. An indoors cat, after a few days of apprehension, can easily get used to being an outdoors cat.

Everyone around me sighs and longs for things to go back to "normal." I do not doubt that we will, like our confined pets set free, take to the outdoors with more ferocity and enthusiasm than ever before. After all, we will have paid a steep price for these freedoms.

I doubt that we will ever again take the skies for granted again. 

The Return: A Beginning

 It is the year 2020, the best of times in the last decade for me, a bad time for humans in the new millennium.

I got a transplant, something that I have been waiting for, not so patiently and with increasing panic, trepidation, and urgency, for over a decade. I have been grateful for the support of my patient friends & family, my wonderful tutors, my thoughtful colleagues, and my accommodating supervisor for making it possible to return to my job after a just week off in the hospital. We all have been working remotely for many weeks already. 

Yes, this is the year that Corona Virus Disease of 2019 (or COVID-19 for short) went global, hitting all continents, all economies, and all populations. We have been confined to our homes, which has been a blessing for me, given my newly over-compromised immune system. I have been able to keep in touch and get tasks done while I recovered. 

While I am grateful for the peculiar circumstances that have allowed me to avoid a long recuperative leave, the very same circumstances have forced my child to travel 80 miles to pick me up and drop me off. I had to uproot myself from my comfort zone, kicking, screaming, under loud protests, and move in with my kind, patient family. I had already lost my night sleep, and missing my own bed made it impossible for me to stay asleep for longer than a few minutes. For weeks after I was returned home, I was convinced that the gods had abandoned me. More problematically, I was convinced that my body had abandoned me, leaving me frustrated, floundering, and flakey, unlike the person the people who love me remembered, changed into a being whom they did not recognize or have much patience with. 

Now, I am mostly healed from everything (almost). I do have to keep going for labs to ensure that things remain healed, but I feel better than I have in over a decade. I did not realize that kidneys can make such a huge difference in one's life. I am slowly returning to myself. 

In many ways, this process of returning to myself has been similar to returning to my burnt house once it was rebuilt.

I am finding out that there is a specific process involved in this returning to the self. First, the process started within: the constant pain and discomfort diminished slowly but increasingly, with a determination that I did not know my body possessed. Once the pain diminished, I began recognizing myself in the mirror and smiling in recognition of someone I had forgotten about. Once I recognized myself, I began the very long, painful process of forgiving my body. By now, I wear my scars with pride. There is ways to go yet before I can wear earrings and indulge in face packs. However, one more thing I have been working on is patience. I give myself a break: I start work early enough so that I can take brief  breaks for naps, snacks, even a quick face time with my family. 

I wonder how long this process will take. I long to quilt like I used to, write like I used to. This entry is the first step towards this completion. Just the fact that I look forward to a completion is proof of the thing with feathers that has woken up and fluttered its feathers, wonderingly looked around with disused, myopic eyes, not quite believing that such a world can exist.. 

Boxed

This year marks the 4th year anniversary of my dialysis. My life has changed exponentially, in ways I could not have imagined since I began dialysis in 2015, after having visited my birthplace and met all the places and people I never remember because I never forget. I had no idea (I still don't) when I will be able to visit again, or even travel to an overnight destination again. My fears have proved prophetic and I find myself frozen here.

Besides my inability to travel, my life style has been compromised in many other ways. I cannot walk for long; throwing out the garbage is one of the major chores; I cannot keep my house picked up; I fall asleep without being aware of doing it, irritated at my unawareness when I awake. It is getting frequently more rare for me to finish a movie. You could say that I am defeated by fatigue. Sometimes, I just have to close my eyes, no matter where I am, and wait for the clouds to lift away. I cannot imagine a world in which I can schedule a dinner with friends, or attend a play or any gathering that could go on beyond 7 pm. This, unfortunately, does not mean that I can reschedule my dinner to breakfasts, owing to the rigid meal times connected to my medications. 

I could go on, but anyone who has been on dialysis knows my condition and it is not my body's desertion that ultimately deflates me. 

I am defeated by boxes. 

Yes, patient reader, boxes. 

The situation with boxes is unimaginable. It is not as though I am living out of boxes, that I have to dive into a box any time I need a spoon or a scarf. This is worse. I need the boxes only to remove solutions, tubes, and paraphernalia from them; this takes me less than two minutes, and I do not have to think of locating things in my head before I reach for them. So I do not really think of boxes. But at the end of a dialysis session (by morning), I have one to two boxes emptied each day. I am always surprised to see them because they form no part of my conscious routine. These boxes squat in the middle of rooms, being of assorted shapes and dimensions, trip me up, and no matter how many boxes I deflate and throw away, there always are more left over. They stare up at me, their  mouths obscenely wide, mocking me, challenging me to guess where they are from, what action caused them to be in their present condition, and now, what I am to do about them. 

The cats, who once used to strut confidently through my living spaces, protest when I turn out the lights. They have had to learn to be even more nimble-footed to navigate the ever-changing landscape of my floors. Sometimes, they protest when I attempt to throw out a few boxes; these have been morphed into living spaces and I am not allowed to move them even an inch from where they are. It is not unusual that the dark hours in my house are punctuated with booms and splats as the cats leap and land on various boxes in the night. I tell myself that that would either be a robber or a cat and knowing my house, a cat is the more probable culprit. If it is a robber, then the prospect of human conversation glows promisingly. Perhaps the robber, being of sound limbs and not given to fatigue, might obligingly throw away a few of the boxes, even if only for ease of robbing.

This situation with the boxes becomes even more unmanageable during weeks when the rains refuse to let up. I like to think of myself as being largely benign, therefore deserving of good things and kindnesses; the idea of trudging through the rains, my hair limp and stringy, my shoulders and arms tangled up in heaps of flattened cardboard seems like an undeserved punishment. Also, it smacks too much of melodrama, even for me, who is addicted to Hindi Saas-Bahu serials. So I wait with the boxes for the rains to let up. The boxes begin to mount at an alarming rate; once, I counted eighteen of them huddled in a corner, glaring balefully at me. I seriously considered paying someone to take care of this problem for me. But then whom would I ask? Even at my most frustrated moments, I do not wish for a helpful robber; the gods know I have lost enough to keep such wishing at bay. And when I cast my glance at the lean numbers reflecting my bank balance, I know that paying someone is an improbability beyond fantasy. Now, I only fantasize about a horde of elves, birds, ants, and other helpers of fairy tales swooping in, and in a single tornado, clearing my house of all boxes, visible and otherwise.

Aye, there's the rub. Even in fairy tales, nothing is for free. What would I pay for such a wish to be realized? The answer, of course, is nothing! Not sleep, nor salt, nor coffee! My imagination is better served in accepting the protean nature of my floors. And yet, if you stop by my house of a Saturday afternoon, you will see me, Sisyphus-like, stripping and deflating boxes in never-ending piles and heaps.

Sea Change

I have been amiss in posting here. I once had a job in which I was paid good money to teach fairy tales, Greek myths, and Arthuriana. When my life dragged me away from this, I fear I lost part of my will and began to punish myself by hiding my pen.

I have decided that my punishment is done.

Now, I have another job; I coordinate a writing center. It seems that I am decent at this job; it seems to like me and I find that it is growing on me. I urge my patient reader to imagine a shawl-like moss, rather than fungus here.

One of the major duties I have in my new job is managing people. I know that I used to manage 25-30 students every three months in my old job and I had no discipline problems. But then, I had help: the magic of the tales was in charge and we all towed its line. Now, I have no magic. I have no tales that tie me to my staff, students, colleagues, or faculty. I try to manage with smiles, nods, and a genuine wish to help and improve.

It has taken me two years to get an idea of what my job entails. So in a way, I have been lost and instead of breadcrumbs, I have been gathering puzzle pieces to lead me home. Sometimes, I find undiscovered little pathways that lead to unexpected delights. Sometimes, of course, these little pathways disappear into thorny bushes.

I have learned to manage bullies. I am no longer intimidated by the idea of a confrontation. I have found ways of initiating difficult conversations. Compartmentalizing and delegating are now second nature to me. To my immense gratitude, I find that I am part of a group of people reaching for a singular goal. To my unbelieving delight, I find that I am able to start us down a new road and find my group agreeable.

Once my broken heart healed, I began to re-configure my class notes into workshops for students. Surprisingly, these are working wonderfully. I enjoy having a small group of students in my little office and workshop verbs with them. The faculty assure me that these workshops and review sessions are helping students. Hopefully, these sessions will become part of the natural landscape of my writing center.

Yes, I have begun to think of this as "my" writing center. I have sculpted it, defined its topography and geography, drew a vision for it, and peopled it with a staff that is intelligent, purposeful, and aware of itself as a team. I have taken responsibility for what happens here, whether I am present or not. I welcome the kindly intentioned and defend its boundaries from the ill-intentioned.

People are always asking me if I miss my old job. Of course I do! However, that job does not exist anymore. People ask me if I miss teaching or the classroom. Frankly, I do not. I would not retrace my steps to a classroom. That would be regressing. I have suffered a sea-change, after all, and it is impossible to go back; I might as well wish for my long-past youth!

As I sit in the little fishbowl that is my office and urge students and faculty to visit my writing center, I feel content, if recycled. This recycling has given me a different life; it is my hope that this different life will work its magic to sculpt and define me so I will once again fit into my skin.

Nothing; Again Nothing

This is one of the last couple of days of my break, and the tired, much lived year draws the closing curtains on itself, no doubt looking forward to a long sleep. I shall miss my break, of course. I had constructed a special routine, a chronology of doing nothing in a varied number of ways. I have loved it all. My Face Book showed me Spain,  Aruba, Hawaii and a number of places with my friends and kin posing against a myriad of Places to See. I applaud their willingness to stop doing nothing and pack, travel, board, disembark, and visit these places. Perhaps I, too, shall have the wherewithal to bestir myself from my nothingness, one day. Not Today, though.

Today, I am just glad to be able to stare at the cloudy day outside, bundled in my sweaters and blankets as the rest of the world enjoys a respite from the high 70's, a normal in these latitudes in this season. People wonder if I don't feel lonely and depressed being on my own during the holidays. I must confess that I do not! My nothingness occupies every minute of my waking hours and I have no time to feel at a loss or bored. I know that in two days, I will have to occupy myself with so much busyness that I will yearn for these hours. I could have filled these hours with projects, cleaning, writing, composing, planning, stitching, shopping, arranging, etc. But I cannot regret not doing all these things.

My one day trip exhausted me and it took me a few days to recover from that. Then my child visited me for a few days, which reminded me of how wonderfully full my life used to be when her agenda dictated our days. But then her own life claimed her back and she has left. So I sit here again with my nothingness. The day stretches before me like a silver ribbon, straight, sparkling, and clear. Since I do not plan to leave the house, no unpleasant wrinkles and creases threaten. There is such comfort and reassurance when one can see exactly what the day holds, especially when it holds a pregnant nothingness, promising nothing, demanding nothing.

My feline room mates, used to my presence by now, nap in their comfort-corners, no longer pacing inquiringly around my ankles. My car too naps outside my door, no doubt appreciating the rest from the endless driving that usually stitches my responsibilities during a working day  or a busy weekend. My neighbors are not home, no doubt running errands and preparing for the big change in the date that arrives every year and that no one has figured out how to properly welcome, with the due ritual it deserves. Every ritual and celebration seems just a smidgen inadequate and the moment between the years passes so quickly. This year, I plan to spend the moment in bed, doing my dialysis, reading. I need to be up since the fireworks spooks the cats and the light in my room offers them all a haven of sorts. Like last year, 2018 will find us all gathered on the same bed, watching the fireworks, or napping, waiting for the celebrations to end.

Once the new year is lodged in, there will be another breath of nothingness. Then the world will exhale a gale of busyness that will take months to wind down. At the end of it, a substantial chunk of life will have ebbed away and there might not be enough memory-pebbles left on the sands to account for having lived a year.

There is the stuff that stress is made of. I shall refrain from dwelling on such fears. I do know how rare a true nothingness, a true vacuum is; things always rush in to fill all emptinesses; true nothingness is not well-tolerated. So it makes sense to cherish and savor the few nothingnesses we are allowed. After all, the meaningless busyness of routines is equally forgettable.

I fear that I have spent a long time in writing this. I must go back to doing nothing. It is most necessary.

Of Fardles and Bon Mots

It has been a few months since I began my new job. One could say that I am settled in, though I do  remain, at heart a lit major, in spite of not having stepped into a classroom for almost a year now. I had not realized this until this past few days when a couple of events brought it to my notice. I do not yet know how I feel about it.

The first event was utter, sheer exhaustion, though one can not always call that an event. It was rather a breaking point that came on a Thursday afternoon on one of the busiest weeks my writing lab has ever seen. There were days when it would be a couple of hours before I could reach my office and check my email: I would be enveloped in student needs from the moment I'd step into my writing center. Students had the hunted, much-wept look of the lost and the displaced as they haunted the center, trying to access  their email, begging me to do some magic that would give them access to My English Lab or D2L. They hung on to their school responsibilities as though to an anchor; if their grip loosened, some sort of apocalypse would follow and they carried this desperate urgency as their most treasured cargo. If I did help them access whatever they needed, or explained a concept to them, they looked at me with gratitude of cosmic proportions, which defeated me. This is natural in a world that is left behind by a storm that closed down my State for over a week. However, we were all exhausted by the Thursday of that week. The talk was of the end of the world, how nothing was ever going to be the same. So I distributed Bradbury's "There Will Come Soft Rains" and we discussed the short story for about an hour. I had distributed the story not just to my staff but also the couple of students who remained in the writing center. Later, as I walked back to my office and the writing center began to get busy with the evening traffic, I realized that this kind of discussion was exactly what was missing from my present life. This stolen hour had adjusted my perspective and I have vowed that this would not be the last time that a story or poem is discussed in my lab. My staff, too, confessed to thinking of the story repeatedly over the next few days. Perhaps we were all lit majors at heart?

In fact, I would go far enough to say that what my colleagues and managers refer to as my managerial techniques owe their origin to my experience as faculty. Controlling discussions that do not get lost in the woods, demanding work, being intolerant of excuses yet understanding of lack of training, identifying what needs fixing, keeping records, creating schedules and planning meetings: all of these I learned as I stood alone behind the desk for decades, forever separated yet deeply connected to the people who faced me and tried to convince about twenty strangers to shift perspective and learn to analyse.

One could say that essentially, I am still doing the same job.

My friend asked me if I miss teaching and before I could even think about the question and consider it, my mouth said, "No!" The definite nature of that answer took my friend aback, I think; I, too was surprised by it. Upon reflection, in fact, I'd say that the best parts of my old job are still very much with me, while the worst, like grading, have disappeared. Yes, there are evaluations and hiring decisions, but they are nothing compared to endless oodles of ungraded assignments that had crowded my life in infinite sets of twenty each.

A couple of days ago, my Facebook newsfeed offered up a Keats ode read by Benedict Cumberbatch. I wept at the sheer beauty of the poem. I often indulge in YouTube Midsummer Night's Dream and cry at Macbeth (a play that continues to shock me). Teaching was never where I'd thought I'd end up when I decided that I was a confirmed lit major and could be nothing else. I had not really thought much about where I'd end up with a lit degree, of course. I had some nebulous idea of being a priestess in a sanctuary of words or just drinking in Prufrock under a spreading tree as the sun set behind some mountain. I had no clear idea about the actual work or ritual the routine of such a person would comprise of.

So no, I do not miss the classroom. I do miss the literature, but when I reach out for it, I find that it has not wandered away. It is right where I'd left it, beside curriculum to be assigned, files to be graded, departmental and all-school meetings to be attended, and LMS to be organized.

Ultimately, the aim of my having Read Literature seems served: it was to decorate the walls of my ivory tower so that the fardles that flesh must bear may be tolerated, conquered, and lived through.

Eating Fruit in the Dark

We are only two days away from hurricane Irma's unwelcome visit to our State. To say that it was horrible and unnerving would be a gross understatement. I feel as though I have aged a century since last Thursday, when workplaces closed down and  the declared state of emergency began to attain dimensions and reality.

I, too was carried on the wave of hysteria that washed me up before empty grocery store shelves. There was no bottled water, no paper plates or plastic ware, no bread, no canned eatables, and no sterno cans. I picked up a lot of fresh fruit (the storm was three days away, after all), some cat food, a jar of instant coffee, and the last case of eggs on the shelf. As I drove home, I wondered why the lack of bottled water bothered me. I drink tap water, do not care for the faint stale and bitter after-taste of bottled water, and I had already planned to fill up enough for me and my feline room mates. I had enough cat food for two weeks. And I knew that I would not need much food for myself.

As always, I remember the endless couple of days I had spent stuck in my grandmother's third story apartment as the city's river flowed 10 feet deep beneath our balcony. There was, of course, no electricity or running water and we spent the entire time watching broken off pieces of our familiar world stream by; a tire, tables, pots, suitcases swirled wildly in some sort of a twisted, macabre dance, refusing all recognizable functions and identities. We were not aware of the length of time spent staring. It was unreal.

This same unreality accompanied the hurricane days. This storm was larger than our State, and no one was to be spared its fury. Being so large, it moved slowly and the hours and days stretched as sheer madness churned the elements until everything outside dissolved into a primal wind soup. Inevitably, at one point, the electricity blinked off. I sat in that twilight world, in a world without time, thought, or light, not sure about what to do. I remembered the fruit in my refrigerator and began working on finishing it. This was the only focus and relevance of my entire existence. It felt bizarre, the burst of orange in my mouth, the fullness of watermelon, the richness of peach, it all felt like an undeserved, aimless gift. The relish and zing of the fruit tasted like proof of life.

Before the storm hit, I had tried to find someone to put my shutters up, but without wingnuts and a tall enough ladder, it proved to be impossible. When I found that my town was not to be a direct hit, but that we would mainly get tropical storm strength winds, I decided against boxing myself and the cats in a claustrophobic metal case; in fact, I left a window open, which kept the temperature in the house tolerable once the electricity was gone. It did feel like mad witches and ghouls dancing tornadoes outside but I think I would prefer those witches and ghouls to the sweaty, unnatural silence of shuttered up rooms. The cats and I spent the storm next to that window, on the bed, surrounded by LED torches (no candles in my home!), books, a storm radio, and the kindle. Every so often, the cell phone chirped in warning that a tornado was near. But after a while, that, too, became part of noise of the storm. The radio cackled with static and updates about feeder bands and flood warnings.

The morning never dawned but the storm turned silvery and sometimes forgot to be ferocious. It seemed that the world would never be normal, the way I remembered it. A thousand post-apocalyptic novels and settings flashed through my mind and I wondered how life would completely change once this storm was done with us. I lunched or breakfasted or dined on fruit and added some boiled eggs to my meal. I had boiled the entire case of eggs from those last frantic hours before the storm. Then I returned to the bed, returned to the waiting. Logic dictated that some time, perhaps hours, perhaps years from now, time must begin ticking again.

That was a couple of days ago, or was it yesterday? I forget. At any rate, it is past. I have not left the house in almost a week. My electricity has been restored; in fact, I did not have to miss any of my dialysis treatments and I remain unspeakably grateful for that. I am going back to work tomorrow.

As I sat at my desk, checking and responding to my email, I snacked on an orange but I did not register the zing of its taste. I could find comfort in this apparent return to normalcy. However, I wonder. The stories do not lie: can souls who have eaten chthonic fruit ever allowed a true return to the realms of the sun?

That Facebook Life

The complexity of our present times has offered us the chance to view our own realities from a veritable smorgasbord of lenses, if my patient reader will forgive the awkward synesthesia. It is possible to live an event and examine it immediately in flashback without troubling one’s memory cells.

The other day, we attended a wedding reception. The first hour of the festivities was devoted to what the hosts referred to as Recall Reels. We were treated to witty observations about the life-thus-far of first the bride, and then the groom, as various relatives of the couple took the mike to accompany the film-collage with underlying movie songs played in tandem with the pictures and live commentary. We enjoyed the first few minutes immensely. However, as the hour wore on, the pictures began to take on a monotone, not of the subject matter but of mood. These were, obviously, supposed to depict lives spent in sheer joy. Images caught people in mid-laughter, eyes sparkling at something behind or above, just out the range of our vision, hair afloat in becoming abandon. Then there were pictures of immaculately groomed children, eyes scrunched shut in concentration as they blew out birthday cake candles, flames steady, ribbons and bow ties standing to attention, adoring, clapping people surrounding the cake. Always, always, the focus of all present in the photograph seemed to be the young bride and groom. It seemed as though all through their childhood and youth, these two people’s families and friends had deliberately hoarded up a trousseau of pictures they could exhibit on their wedding day, so we would know how carefree and abundant their lives had been.

Such exhibits of perfected lives have expanded from an hour during a wedding reception, to everyday chronicles on social media sites, like Facebook. I see only exquisite views of mountains, rivers, oceans beneath a colorful sky seen through window frames; the camera always misses the sink of dirty dishes just beyond the breathtaking view. I imagine the owners of such windows as gazing out, sipping some tall, cool citrus-y drink, no dishes, floors, or counter-tops ever to be cleaned. These owners are usually accompanied in my imagination with the most perfect of friends or spouses or pets.

Most people I know, who take lots of pictures, screen their imaginary lives very carefully. Of the thousands of images they capture, only a few are deemed “Facebook-worthy.” These images do not necessarily depict a reality hitherto unsuspected by the viewer, nor do they offer an insight into the personality of the subject. On the contrary, it would seem that these images are carefully chosen to display a perfection of an imagined self, which often renders the subject unrecognizable. These people glow with satisfaction every time I exclaim at their profile picture, “Is that you? I did not even recognize you!” Apparently, this is the most appropriate reaction sought for.

I suppose it is human nature to wish to garner as much envy from one’s world as one could manage. This envy is synonymous with admiration, a trophy of some sort that assures the subjects they have arrived, worked hard and achieved the glint of I-Wish in the eyes of beholders. If, indeed, this is the aim, then it is attained. I must confess to wishing for your perfect Facebook life. I covet your excellent health, to bite a pie of the warm laughter of your gatherings, discover the exotic worlds you are always globe-trotting to; I want the top 95% you earn in all Facebook quizzes that gauge you to be among the smartest of all, hunger for all those delicious, easy-peasy recipes you share, and of course, I crave most ardently that window you gaze out of.

Beware, Perfection! As that vignette of a flawless life gets uploaded for all to see, make sure of a dot of kajal on its back (where it will not be seen) to ward off the evil eye.

The Idling Wordsmith

I was scrolling down my Facebook page, as one does, often when at a loss, and I saw many people advertising their upcoming anthologies and novels. Of late, it seems to me that the world is bursting with people publishing their work.

I wonder how they manage that.

Long ago, (four years ago, actually) an Indian publisher had suggested that I write a book, their suggestion arising from one of my short stories. I thought that I had died and attained undeserving Nirvana. Fearing the chariots of time drawing ever near, I finished the book within months, full time job, failing kidneys, and graduating child notwithstanding. Every time a revision was suggested, I attacked it, conquered it, and sent back the section before suggested deadlines. I vowed to be the most agreeable, the easiest of writers anyone could dream of working with.

However, some ornery constellation stamped its feet and rather abruptly, I was told that the publisher had lost interest. No other explanation was offered. One day I had a book contract; the following day, I was anchor-less, rudder-less.

My book has been completed, revised, re-visited for years. I had tried looking for an agent and sent out about fifty letters of inquiries to various agents, my list compiled from a variety of sources (yes, including Writers & Poets!). I got nary a bite. Not A One.

And these, mind you, are agents, not publishers that I tried to approach.

Interestingly, however, whenever I have sent in sections of the book as separate stories, they have been accepted and published in magazines, no revisions asked for.

I know my work is decent, current, and fits in with what is being read. How does one jump this huge chasm between finished project and marketed product?

The person who had published my first story offered to come out with a kindle edition of my book. Of course, I have agreed. However, that constellation is still ornery, and of late, my queries are ignored. I wonder about the value that these two experiences are supposed to convey to me, but I remain at a loss. It definitely does not hearten me to know that Moby Dick was rejected 75 times.

 I have read hundreds of blogs and articles on composing the perfect query letter, choosing the right literary agencies, paying attention to the kind of material on the market, and followed a myriad of other advice. I have tried many variants and forms of query letters. I pay attention to agents that represent writers I like and whose topics match mine. These pieces of wisdom and logic assure me that agents are interested in accepting and marketing my work; after all, that is how they make money.

Perhaps then, the ones I tried are independently rich.

Perhaps I need to be independently rich and self-advertise, self-market, self-publish, self-sell, and self-buy. After all, I write for myself, not anyone else! Alas, my rather ordinary and modest circumstances, combined with my total and complete cluelessness about this process will allow no such indulgence.

My writer friend and I have agreed that it is time for us to find a proper agent for our finished projects. Of course, we have no idea how to land one. On Facebook, I see thousands of prompts that promise to stir the Muse. Many articles offer advice about how to keep writing, the importance of it. There are suggestions about places an aspiring wordsmith could disappear to, places as impossibly beautiful as a poem from a star.

I don’t think that these articles understand: I write and will continue to write because I have no choices. Inspiration is not my problem. I do not need an ivory tower to write; my sofa is quite adequate. Finishing projects is not my problem. Accepting criticism and fixing bleeding paragraphs is also not my problem, and neither is respecting deadlines.  

If only I had a spell that moved constellations! If my patient reader commands such a spell . . . However, I realize that it would be asking for much too much to share it, like asking to spare an internal organ. I do not command the words that could frame such a thing properly.

This post goes out in hopes that it will stir the stubborn stars; perhaps, lounging and floating Vishnu-like on the Milky-Way, they might read this to idle an hour by and deign to twinkle kindly.

My 40-Hour Week

I was full time faculty, and I was tired, if I were to be completely honest. I could have conducted all that I taught without being fully awake, as though an automaton, and that was the best part of the day. Then there were the endless, pointless tasks and processes that departmental assistants and secretaries used to see to, that were suddenly my job. I have not even begun to mention the interminable grading, which made Sisyphus’ rock rolling seem like a picnic. My schedule changed every several weeks, and I’d have days off that coincided with no one else’s, during which I would watch television or haunt my house as though a ghost. No one else had time off in late September for a week and I would be too exhausted to do much. Yes, being full time faculty can be exhausting, even though work-week seems to be only 25 hours long. I worked non-stop, almost 60-hour weeks, but since I did most of that work at home, it did not “count.”

 I thought that was my lot in life; things could never change.I had been faculty almost all my working life until I was RIFed from my last faculty position and decided to walk out of the classroom. Even though I soul-searched extensively and it took me a long time, I have ended up not too far from the classroom: I coordinate a writing center.

However, my insistence on trotting away from the classroom has demanded many changes, so many, in fact, that my internal compasses are different, with unfamiliar directions and strange needles. I navigate by different constellations and I cannot even imagine the nature and composition of my new horizons.

If someone were to ask me what my daily duties are, I’d not have a clear answer. I coordinate. This means that I do whatever needs to be done, and that is a surprisingly large range. I began without any training, without a clue about what was expected from me, with no idea about how to do my job, let alone how to do it well. I had had no management training, did not know how to balance a budget, create a schedule from scratch, oversee staff, or how to troubleshoot or navigate online lab platforms. Even this LMS was not familiar to me. The only thing I really understood properly was the curriculum around which the writing center revolves.

It turns out that is anchor enough as the world whirled and stood on its axis. One of my major navigational tools is Excel, something my old self had steered clear of. In my old job, I had needed just a little screen to explore the world and sculpt it into material for class; now, I cannot work without my double screened computer, and yet the material resists sculpting. As faculty, I had despaired of meaningless paperwork and forms; now, I create forms and document meticulously. As faculty, I used to feel much put upon when asked to generate reports; now, I seek out training that would help me mine and analyze substantial chunks of data. As faculty, I had felt isolated on my side of the desk and had considered myself apart from the people I spent most of my work day with, students. Now, I work on team building exercises and conduct regular meetings to be as much a part of my staff and colleagues as I can. My 25-hour week used to cling on, follow me home, and eat into weekends and evenings, especially during exams; now, my 40-hour week, though tiring, ends when I leave my office. Now, exam weeks are the best, since most of the work of the semester is done and things begin to slow down. As faculty, I sought out creative ways of presenting the same material; now, I seek out recognizable formats for ever-changing information, for precedents that reassure.

Even the very rhythm of my work-seasons is different. The time between semesters, in my old life, was a time to reflect, calm down, gather threads and reweave. Now, the time between semesters is fraught with furious activity, as I race to organize over a hundred class orientations, update orientation folders to adjust to changes in online labs, juggle ever-changing requests for schedule changes, and see to a myriad of other tasks before the semester begins.

I do miss my students a great deal; I do miss talking about timeless stories and the many ways they can be interpreted; I do miss students discovering the beauty of the written word; I do miss treading well-loved, well-worn paths. I feel that I have aged suddenly and aged far; constant contact with the young had kept me believing in my own youth. Being a manager of sorts, on the other hand, does make one the grown-up. As faculty, one might be a figure of authority, but it is not a managerial position. Now, even though I have my office, I feel more like a juggler than a person with any authority.

All things considered, however, my office has grown on me. I have begun to slice and stash things into tables and sheets. Most importantly, I am learning to decode implications when anyone speaks to me. I am more aware that all conversation has a context, a subtext, and an agenda. This is changing the way I write my characters and what they say, when I indulge in my first love, writing stories.  

I am told that this job gets easier after a couple of years. That is my hope, to find a terra firma beneath my feet, so that these paths also feel well-trod to my hesitant steps. It is rare that one gets a chance to be reinvented in the exact middle of one’s expected life-time.

 It is my hope that this overhauling will assure me that there have been less roads not taken when, at last, I consider how my light is spent.

Tornado Skies, Rainbow Weather

We had “bad” rains a couple of days ago, deluges that streamed down from an invisible, grey heaven, spreading floods and fear. This went on for days, which felt more like a punishment than a benediction. The air remained damp and cool. The sun remained a memory of warmth; the constant, insistent downpours conquered all, spoke above all conversations and TV shows, and turned the world into that indescribable color, that silver-grey-white. Visibility was low and we all hunkered down in cars and rooms in isolated bubbles, convinced that our range of visibility, our ten-foot radius was all that remained of the world. The unthinkable happened when malls were closed for flooding. Cars, branches, and other paraphernalia of a dry, logical world floated around, defunct, wet and lost, unable to find a use or definition.

We did not venture out unless forced. We cautioned each other on Facebook to stay in, stay dry, stay safe. My fingers and knees complained and the cats whined. Had the sun not shone when it did, we all would have begun to climb the walls in sheer cabin fever. We shudder at the memory.

We ran out of staples, of milk, bread, and eggs, but put off going out. We reminded ourselves to replenish our stock of batteries and water; we tallied our bank accounts to see if this is the year we’d get a generator (perhaps next year!). We dined on canned soup and canned beans and relished the hot water of our showers. The grocery list on our fridge began to fatten with perishables that could weather well. The sight of the empty peanut-butter jar began to cause discomfort. It was June; why didn’t we have our stock of crackers and sterno stoves? We stared wide-eyed at each other: how was this possible? Had we not just begun to get used to writing 2017 in our dates? How could half the year be gone?

Our TV’s, when they worked, were locked in at local weather stations; no other news mattered until the torrents stopped. We followed each shade of severity as the TV screen followed the storms moving inland and away, anchored our gaze on the point where we imagined we were. We stopped stitching and turned the burners on low when the weather was updated on top of the hour, and we listened. Our worried gaze sometimes shifted to the skies and we saw that green tinge that marks illogically heavy storms. We gasp when we hear that a tornado was observed in our zip code. Surely, the apocalypse must feel like this!

It is after June 1. Seasonal visitors have left for calmer latitudes. Here, where I write this, the hurricane season has begun and Sunshine State becomes a misnomer. It is one of my favorite times of the year. Perhaps it is the cathartic rains, the seriously blooming verdure, the shortened commute to and from work, and the empty grocery stores. The closet performer in me loves the drama of the storms. I have been fortunate in calling this landscape my home for long enough to know its skies well. This is the season of daily, multiple rainbows. Somehow, it is difficult to remain morose when faced with two well-defined rainbows arching above the highway.

This same splash of color spills through the landscape. Gulmohar trees burst out in flower flames. Hydrangeas bloom in a veritable rainbow. The entire vegetative world erupts in a cornucopia of colors and textures, and everything smells freshly cleansed. People bring out their colorful attire, sporting bold hues that shy away as the year gets older. Monsoon here feels like a celebration, since the children are out of school, home from colleges, visiting with families. This season feels full of promise, like a slice of fresh watermelon sprinkled with chaat masala, best served on ice. And yes, reader, it is mango season! This season is rich in color and flavor, and the rest of the year seems pale in compare.

The torrents have stopped for now. It still rains everyday, but there is no cosmic drama the skies indulge in. Of course, I pray that we are spared from a hurricane, even if it by the skin of our teeth. It is not the devastating aftermaths of hurricanes that I enjoy. But I find it difficult to resist the silvery shade of a rainy day in a season filled with blinding color and heat.

This weekend, I shall prepare my home for tornadoes, and I shall try not to miss any rainbows that are all part of this prothalmion of a season. 

Endings and Beginnings

I cannot think of a better day to begin writing on my blog than today; today is Akha Teej, the auspicious day of beginnings, one of the four holy days of the Hindu calendar.  So let me begin by wishing my readers good beginnings in all they start today!

It has been four months since I began my “new” job. Followers of this space might remember that I was heart-broken at losing my previous job of 17 years. Actually, I was so heart-broken, that I stopped looking for full-time faculty positions altogether. The one I’d lost was the perfect faculty job, I had done it well, and I was fortunate enough to lose it before it soured or got old. I had my perfect job, and I had enjoyed it for over a decade and half. I remain grateful, and yes, Reader, a part of my heart still yearns for it. I fear it always will.

Now, I coordinate the Writing Center at one of the campuses of my county’s college. It is a job that demands completely separate skill sets than the ones I had been using all my adult life. Much to my surprise and delight, I am loving it! I never expected to be happy as a manager of sorts, but I learn something new every day, and another piece of a large puzzle falls in place, giving me a whole new perspective on the landscape of an educational institution, a landscape I’d thought I knew well, too well. I have also taught at this college briefly and now that I see this side of process, I will never be the same again.

Yes, clocking in 40 hours a week feels just as strange as not having to work at home, both to me and my feline roommates. But it is growing on us. I knew that in an alternate life, I’d be running a Writing Center; now I really am doing it! Of course, my vision for a Writing Center was very different from this very real one. But as days go by, this vision becomes more focused, more possible. One day, the gods willing, I will have the Writing Center of my imagination. Of course, a lot of credit for my loving my new job goes to the people I work with, my supervisors, colleagues, and staff, who are all warm and helpful. Besides that, however, the work itself is new and challenging.

I did not mean to only sing accolades to my two jobs, though this entry seems to primarily do that. I hope that my Reader takes heart from my story; if something that seems apocalyptic happens and everything ends, there is still the grain of the coming morrow contained within; one only has to believe in the inexorability of the heartbeat and breath. They keep rhythm with the march towards future seasons.

According to Hindu myth, today, one of the seven immortals, Ved Vyas began The Mahabharata. I want to keep the messages it embodies in my mind today. I want to be courageous enough one day to be able to trust in the impermanent, malleable nature of all realities, and still recognize the grain of a beginning in all endings. I have written from the perspective of Satyavati, Ved Vyas’ mother, and I will keep her ability to adapt and her insistence on sculpting the ways in which she adapts.

And no matter how frightening it is, I will be brave enough to put one foot in front of the other and trust the Earth to hold it steady.

Ellipses

When I lost my job last month, I had imagined that I would be able to blog and write to my heart's content; after all, it's not as though I have a real job to get to! However, I find that I have less time now than I did when I was full time. I spend my time trying to plug the gaping holes in my life that have suddenly yawned open, and I can smell the threat of destitution swelling and ebbing. I spend a great deal of time praying that the band-aid plugs hold for longer than I expect.

Some of my very good friends tell me that I should take this time to finish my book, that it is a gift from the Universe, a sure sign. I am very grateful for the comforting thought, but my book is finished, has been for a couple of years. I don't know how to work on it since I am too close to it and don't have an editor or anyone to advise or suggest. So touching that project is out of question for now. I continue to write stories and try to get them out; some of them are even accepted and nothing else helps like those. At any rate, my writing is a necessity and not contingent upon the amount of free time I have.

There is another activity that eats up my time, staring out of windows and worrying about all the big and small things that are now different. I stare outside the window with the cats and watch the leaves, worrying as the sky darkens and the rain begins. Staring into the internet window is a different kind of worrying: I scroll and apply most assiduously for all full time jobs that I am capable of. I worry that I am not visible to these jobs. I know what my perfect job looks like, and I think that I glimpse it often from the corner of my eye. However, the right constellations have wheeled away, some bridge has broken down, there is a cosmic disconnect somewhere, and it remains out of clear, direct sight.

Weekends are the worst. During the week, as I make phone calls, apply, grade papers, organize and prioritize, I have the illusion of doing something, somehow progressing. But on weekends, the world naps and I am at a loss. During my lowest times, I fear I have turned into a citizen of Eliot's Unreal City, of Wasteland; how could I have, when did I allow such a large part of my self be dependent on my job? By now, I should have begun to feel the relief of less responsibility. Granted, I am teaching part time at the same place, but I am teaching only the courses I have written and created from ground up; this situation should feel like a wonderful thing! And I must confess to enjoying the time in the classroom; yet it is tinged with the awareness that the institution and I owe no fealty to each other any longer, that our tomorrows are irretrievably severed, and as time goes by, these classes, these classrooms will only move farther away and finally set below my horizons.

I suppose what I miss the most, besides the obvious benefits that accompany the friendship of an institution, then, is belonging to an institution. There is so much comfort in owning a place of work as one's own; I would argue that it is as imperative to being meaningfully alive as having a room of one's own. It feels like one belongs to a wider circle of reference, and since the circle is wider, one will be well taken care of. This circle of reference provides a temenos and we all need firm land beneath our feet. This awareness of a temenos is what is liberating, not all these oodles and oodles of undefined hours. What I have right now is not free time; this is chthonic time. It does not belong to any earthly concern.

If my life were a research paper, this time would be indicated by ellipses enclosed in square brackets; not relevant to what came before or after.

July is almost done. Soon, the festivals will begin. The year wheels on and when I blink again, it might well be December. However, the Upanishads, one of my major touchstones, claim that there are forests of eternity contained between eye-blinks. This post goes out in hope that the eye-blinks wheel my world towards a belonging that brightens the horizons and puts my feet back on terra firma. 

Of Providence and Sparrows

It has been a week since my job veered away from me. There is a long weekend before I can become an official adjunct at the same place. It all feels like a century has whirled by since the time I was a full time employee, safe beneath a spreading shade of that status. I have been still, stunned, but the world around me has been spinning at twice its speed, and yet, I have perceived it like never before; that amazement is the reason why this week feels like a hundred years have passed.

Hemingway claims that courage is grace under pressure. I love imagining scenarios, and before last week, I had always imagined that I would be collected, graceful, and dignified, should a lay-off ever happen to me. This imagined self was more like a penny-dreadful heroine than a normal person. I would make cosmic, grand gestures and exit so that no one ever forgets and I'd leave behind a world that is more grey. However, no such thing happened when I was actually laid off. I don't remember much of it, mainly the disbelief, punctuated with spasms of devastation and panic. And I am going back next week, which makes me a little more nervous than I'd like to admit.

And then there was the desperate scrounging. I know that logically, I should have taken this week off, gone hiking, found a lake to build a cabin by, examined my place in the larger universe. I did no such thing; instead, I raced down cyber highways in search of a perfect place to apply for a job. I explored e-alleyways and e-market-squares alike, as though I were one of those Pac-Man mouth-figures of ancient video games, hungry for every imagined and real position, casting a ravenous eye on every ad that popped up, wondering at the full-time jobs that had birthed it. I wanted to strew the best pieces of myself all over the world, so that a job, just casually passing by, might notice something shiny and pick it, me up. I'd fallen off a carousel; it seemed unfair that I could still hear its music and watch the riders laugh.

I had many well-wishers at this time. People had many bits of advice: I should move to California, to Florence, to London (I can't! I live with cats!); I should completely reinvent myself and use my retirement nest egg to begin a business of my own (I can't! What if I run it to the ground?); and my favorite, I should write a best-seller, a la J. K. Rowling! The last one affected me enough to send me scuttling down the internet and I wasted a whole half hour Googling literary agents before giving myself a stern talking to, to get-a-grip-for-gods'-sake!

Finally, there is this incomprehension, this inability to do or grasp . Everywhere I e-went, I could see busy, busy words fluttering, about the best business practices, the latest skills and where to get them, how innovative motivation defeated the status quo,  what people felt about their full-time jobs, what these full-time jobs felt about the people working them, erudite reaction pieces to current events, everywhere, employers, employees and jobs, trending, tweeting. I often felt dizzy and cold as my fingers, helpless in their feverish scrolling scrambled around, trying to find a perch. It is no wonder that things that flit and flutter are not granted the quiet of long lives.

A lot of people have told me that this lay-off could be a blessing in disguise. If it is, it is well-disguised. I grant that it might be my myopia, but I can discern no special Providence in this flight of sparrows.

If I were writing a short story around what is happening to me, it'd be a caricature, and had I the skill, I'd illustrate it with single-dimensional stick figures, like paper dolls, blank on the back. Unfortunately, the desperation and rejection are all too real. I do see genuine sympathy and concern in the eyes of my family and friends, but like the rest of humanity, I would prefer to see admiration and envy instead.

Of course, I know that this season of my discontent will pass, like the monsoon. However, before it does, I seek the solace of the written word, to validate this spell I am living through. I take heart and think of the fairy tale of Brier Rose, or Sleeping Beauty: the stew remains unseasoned, the chicken un-plucked, the flies un-swatted for a hundred years as the princess sleeps; however, she does awake, and with a slap, a cluck, a splash, life returns.

This post goes out in hopes that this bleak century may be dreamed away, and that thorns and briers remember to bloom into flowers. After all, I must believe what I preach: life is exactly like a fairy tale!