This is one of the last couple of days of my break, and the tired, much lived year draws the closing curtains on itself, no doubt looking forward to a long sleep. I shall miss my break, of course. I had constructed a special routine, a chronology of doing nothing in a varied number of ways. I have loved it all. My Face Book showed me Spain, Aruba, Hawaii and a number of places with my friends and kin posing against a myriad of Places to See. I applaud their willingness to stop doing nothing and pack, travel, board, disembark, and visit these places. Perhaps I, too, shall have the wherewithal to bestir myself from my nothingness, one day. Not Today, though.
Today, I am just glad to be able to stare at the cloudy day outside, bundled in my sweaters and blankets as the rest of the world enjoys a respite from the high 70's, a normal in these latitudes in this season. People wonder if I don't feel lonely and depressed being on my own during the holidays. I must confess that I do not! My nothingness occupies every minute of my waking hours and I have no time to feel at a loss or bored. I know that in two days, I will have to occupy myself with so much busyness that I will yearn for these hours. I could have filled these hours with projects, cleaning, writing, composing, planning, stitching, shopping, arranging, etc. But I cannot regret not doing all these things.
My one day trip exhausted me and it took me a few days to recover from that. Then my child visited me for a few days, which reminded me of how wonderfully full my life used to be when her agenda dictated our days. But then her own life claimed her back and she has left. So I sit here again with my nothingness. The day stretches before me like a silver ribbon, straight, sparkling, and clear. Since I do not plan to leave the house, no unpleasant wrinkles and creases threaten. There is such comfort and reassurance when one can see exactly what the day holds, especially when it holds a pregnant nothingness, promising nothing, demanding nothing.
My feline room mates, used to my presence by now, nap in their comfort-corners, no longer pacing inquiringly around my ankles. My car too naps outside my door, no doubt appreciating the rest from the endless driving that usually stitches my responsibilities during a working day or a busy weekend. My neighbors are not home, no doubt running errands and preparing for the big change in the date that arrives every year and that no one has figured out how to properly welcome, with the due ritual it deserves. Every ritual and celebration seems just a smidgen inadequate and the moment between the years passes so quickly. This year, I plan to spend the moment in bed, doing my dialysis, reading. I need to be up since the fireworks spooks the cats and the light in my room offers them all a haven of sorts. Like last year, 2018 will find us all gathered on the same bed, watching the fireworks, or napping, waiting for the celebrations to end.
Once the new year is lodged in, there will be another breath of nothingness. Then the world will exhale a gale of busyness that will take months to wind down. At the end of it, a substantial chunk of life will have ebbed away and there might not be enough memory-pebbles left on the sands to account for having lived a year.
There is the stuff that stress is made of. I shall refrain from dwelling on such fears. I do know how rare a true nothingness, a true vacuum is; things always rush in to fill all emptinesses; true nothingness is not well-tolerated. So it makes sense to cherish and savor the few nothingnesses we are allowed. After all, the meaningless busyness of routines is equally forgettable.
I fear that I have spent a long time in writing this. I must go back to doing nothing. It is most necessary.
Today, I am just glad to be able to stare at the cloudy day outside, bundled in my sweaters and blankets as the rest of the world enjoys a respite from the high 70's, a normal in these latitudes in this season. People wonder if I don't feel lonely and depressed being on my own during the holidays. I must confess that I do not! My nothingness occupies every minute of my waking hours and I have no time to feel at a loss or bored. I know that in two days, I will have to occupy myself with so much busyness that I will yearn for these hours. I could have filled these hours with projects, cleaning, writing, composing, planning, stitching, shopping, arranging, etc. But I cannot regret not doing all these things.
My one day trip exhausted me and it took me a few days to recover from that. Then my child visited me for a few days, which reminded me of how wonderfully full my life used to be when her agenda dictated our days. But then her own life claimed her back and she has left. So I sit here again with my nothingness. The day stretches before me like a silver ribbon, straight, sparkling, and clear. Since I do not plan to leave the house, no unpleasant wrinkles and creases threaten. There is such comfort and reassurance when one can see exactly what the day holds, especially when it holds a pregnant nothingness, promising nothing, demanding nothing.
My feline room mates, used to my presence by now, nap in their comfort-corners, no longer pacing inquiringly around my ankles. My car too naps outside my door, no doubt appreciating the rest from the endless driving that usually stitches my responsibilities during a working day or a busy weekend. My neighbors are not home, no doubt running errands and preparing for the big change in the date that arrives every year and that no one has figured out how to properly welcome, with the due ritual it deserves. Every ritual and celebration seems just a smidgen inadequate and the moment between the years passes so quickly. This year, I plan to spend the moment in bed, doing my dialysis, reading. I need to be up since the fireworks spooks the cats and the light in my room offers them all a haven of sorts. Like last year, 2018 will find us all gathered on the same bed, watching the fireworks, or napping, waiting for the celebrations to end.
Once the new year is lodged in, there will be another breath of nothingness. Then the world will exhale a gale of busyness that will take months to wind down. At the end of it, a substantial chunk of life will have ebbed away and there might not be enough memory-pebbles left on the sands to account for having lived a year.
There is the stuff that stress is made of. I shall refrain from dwelling on such fears. I do know how rare a true nothingness, a true vacuum is; things always rush in to fill all emptinesses; true nothingness is not well-tolerated. So it makes sense to cherish and savor the few nothingnesses we are allowed. After all, the meaningless busyness of routines is equally forgettable.
I fear that I have spent a long time in writing this. I must go back to doing nothing. It is most necessary.
